“But other people had it worse” How you developed a harsh internal critic without ever having a hand laid on you
As a therapist, almost every trauma survivor I’ve worked with has said something along the lines of, “but I didn’t have it as bad as some people did” This can also sound like:
“I don’t understand why I am this way” …
“I had two parents and a roof over my head growing up,”
“We had food on the table, and I know that they did love me”
“It could have been way worse; I know other people who really had it bad.”
Variations of these statements come from most clients I work with who struggle with a harsh inner critic and chronic feelings of not enough-ness. Some of the most common negative sentiments can include one, some, or all the following: “I am not loveable,” “I am worthless,” “I am a bad person,” “I am defective,” “I don’t belong, “or “I am powerless.”
In the context of a culture and social media setting that have normalized the use of the word trauma there has been both a rapid adoption of the word to encompass adverse experiences and an accompanying pendulum swing of people who do not see their upbringings as fitting of or worth the trauma label. I understand the reluctance to identify an experience as traumatic; there can be a fear of seeming overdramatic, a (often unconscious) hesitancy to blame or name our parents as faulty in some way, or even a desire not to have our vast, complex experiences deduced down to one word with such a negative connotation.
All these sentiments are completely valid, I too, felt this way for most of my adult life. This piece is not intended to convince you that your childhood should be labeled as traumatic, but perhaps to shine a light on some of the adverse effects of very common experiences that many of us had growing up. Looking at these experiences, and more recent scientific psychological findings, we can see how these experiences give context for your development of a harsh and chronic critical inner narrative.
Psychologist William James stated that ““The great source of terror in infancy is solitude” (1890). This is a fitting quote to introduce the concept of emotional neglect, an often overlooked or minimized occurrence in many households which spans beyond infancy until adulthood. Judith Herman, the psychologist who introduced this term succinctly summarized that emotional neglect as “a failure to attend to a child's emotional needs.” Emotional neglect is often overlooked because it is not as overt as other types of neglect or abuse. Instead of examining what your parent did that negatively affected you, emotional neglect is more so about what a parent did not do for you growing up. This could look like having a parent who was physically present but not attuned to your emotions; perhaps a parent who tried to deny, diminish, or shove your feelings under the rug when you came to them instead of hearing and validating your experience. In many families, including mine as a child, this sounded a lot like “keep calm and carry on” no matter what was happening. Emotional neglect can also look like having a parent who is so consumed with their own experience that they do not or cannot be present for the child’s. Such as in the case of alcoholism or chronic illness or injury. As you can see, it is important to recognize that even in families where all our physical needs were met, there can still be emotional neglect. In learning about emotional neglect, my client’s often say something along the lines of
“I get it, my family didn’t really do feelings or pay enough attention to mine, but I didn’t have it nearly bad as some people do, so why are things still so hard for me?”
It’s a though we want to believe that the harder the experience we had growing up, the more it makes sense that we would be hard on ourselves; but these two things are not directly correlated. Research has shown that growing up with parents that do not adequately attune to you as a child has an almost parallel effect as growing up in an environment that is physically, sexually, or otherwise abusive. As children, we look to our parents for survival, recognizing faults in them would destroy our imagined connection and thus our very foundation of feeling secure. It is far “safer” for a child to blame and find the faults within themselves; this self-blame and criticism is the harsh internal narrative we carry with us long until adulthood. Psychologist and author Robert Firestone (1987) succinctly put, that in any situation where there is emotional neglect, “the child must conceptualize him or herself as bad or unlovable in order to defend against the realization that the parents are inadequate” Children are innately loveable, we are allowed to scream, cry, be stubborn, and feel a vast range of emotions when we are little. It is not the job of a child to protect, tend to, or shape shift to appease their parents, any environment where you were lead to believe otherwise, falls under the category of emotional neglect, and, yes, it would be fair to say is innately traumatizing to a child.
The purpose of this piece, however, is not to point the finger or blame your parents. Your parents most likely did their best, although this looks very different depending on the family, I would argue that all parents (humans) are doing their best. In beginning to validate and honor your very real lived experience, it is also important to recognize that a parent can both do their best and fail to fully meet your needs as a child. This can be hard to reckon with and may bring up feelings of sadness and grief, if you find resonating with this piece I would recommend speaking with a trained therapist to support you in this process. I know both personally and professionally, your harsh inner critic can get softer and kinder with time and support, I believe in you.
Resources:
Firestone, R. (1987). The fantasy bond: structure of psychological defenses. Glendon.
